when i stepped into the water, i slipped and broke my aura...

I don't know. This at home, in the heart, complex and annoying. Feeling ...not broken, but pathetic, bathetic. Sterling's preggers, Sun's home, Avery is huge, my mother thinks I hate her or I'm a jerk, I don't really know anymore. hot sub w/ sun earlier. she's way cool and outta all the girls probably the one I am most comfortable with. I love taitai and meimei and sterling, but sun's a good mix of them all. i think in jan i will go with mills to get my tattoo. she's gotta decide what she wants though...I'm getting a new tele tomorrow, I hope. I am giving the SG to Mei-mei to fuck with, the pickguard to either sun or tai-tai. new guitars are funfunfun, always leads you somewhere else, like a new girl or a new car or a new way home.

I have a dog now, he is cute and small and I am responsible for him. I hope to get a cat sooner rather than later; a jellicle for preference (gonna name her "Sally Pimienta").

talked to eden like 4 or 5 times in the last week; things are rough on his end vis-a-vis V. which sucks, he's had it rough sometimes. he was very sincere and sorry about getting out of touch with us all, said thanks for me trying to keep in touch with him since he didn't know how to start things. he's spoken to solo and bunny and will probably maybe this time come to miami. I dunno. Told me Mo's living in O-town and they don't really hang or speak. eden talks to mike now and again tho..

while moving I found some boxes with pictures. i feel distant from them, they don't really touch me anymore...I don't know how to feel about that.

good books: world war Z, that dylan bio I'm xmas'ing away, the last postsecret book mills gave me for xmas
good music: night ripper by girl talk -- all samples...shit, it's like "paul's boutique" all over again; coil's "the ape of naples" which i re-listened to because bunny hooked me up with coil bootlegs and i ran into an interview with sleazy from last year about all the shit since balance died...oh and the new fucking daft punk album is so fucking hot it glows

vignette: eden's gf at the time lived on sunset, i go with him to hang, her gay friend says hello -- i am broken and falldown ebcause of mo. i leave the party and go to his old pad with ron -- rose was there even then -- and tell him our friendship's over. he tells rose that if it's her fault...blahblahblah. i tell him it's his fault, it's about b but more about how he didn't tell me. i leave and go back to the party. the girlfriend's gay friend tells me my aura has changed color dramatically -- from orange/red to green (or other way? I don't remember the colors he said). I tell eden and tell him what happened.

thxgiving update

vacation: sucked, I worked on the house and w/ the fam (jesus they are tireless)

work: I am a hero and an unsung rockstar of unprecedented caliber. we had a server -- the one and only web server, the one that has hard drives that grriiiiiiiinnnnnddddd when they spin up and has therefore not been turned off for 5 years and then because of a power failure, and not been updated for about 10 years -- have it's PSU blow up and catch fire. despite this, I was able to get us working (hobbled, but hey) for the few days it took to get the machine repaired.


i bought a jawesome! map in a magnelephant frame at my dad's neighbors' moving out garage sale. my ex-landlord is in foreclosure and I picked up 3 GTA games for 30 bux.

this morning i dreamt that had gone to sleep late (i had) and got woken up by my cell and it was she calling to say there were things unsaid. i never got to hear them because the alarm went off.

oh my GOD

I just identified with Forrest Gump. Fuck you, Robert Zemekis, Fuck you Tom Hanks.

can i get a RAMEN?!

RAMEN!

quick notes: houses are a bitch, plumbers are expensive, a person who has just insulted your choice in homes blushes a lot, the hard rock casino is fugly in a sodom & gamorrah way*, also, I have interwebaolnet and telephone at the new home. Now I just have to actually set up a network the way I want it instead of a laptop in the kitchen.

*ok, why is it that sodomy is named after sodom but there's not a sexual act named for gamorah? was gamorah's wickedness different but sodom was just full of ass-fuckers? or they both did it but sodom was really promoting it -- public anal sex or something -- and gamorrah was just keeping it on the Down Low?

I'm a little pimp with my hair slicked back

"willie the pimp" from Zappa's "Hot Rats" album, which I first bought in DC when I lived there with my dad. I loved the feeling of walking down the streets with the cherry blossoms still gleaming white and the heat coming down hard. Awesome guitar solo and Captain Beefheart singing. HOT BEEF! HOT RATS! WOO-WOO-WOOT!

dream 290ct2007

sex, space travel, running across a cliff next to a forest, then singing "holiday in cambodia". i wake singing dead kennedys.

xkcd

xkcd - A webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language - By Randall Munroe: "http://xkcd.com/334/"

call me morbid, call me pale.

what makes me saddest about the whole thing is how pointless it was. i mean, so many ways to end it that wouldn't have caused all that kind of fallout. "oh well" is all there is to say and it doesn't seem enough.

this real estate bullshit is fucking bullshit. every time i get closer to the house it's a change of what was expected. jesus. it's like dating but with the payoff that you're in debt well beyond your eyeballs. a bugfuck crazy girlfriend is tame compared to this kind of frustration.

that bad bad man, stagolee

maybe remaking stagger lee to be about delia day? the grateful dead's version names delia as billy's woman....hmmmm....

capo II:
Em11 -> E shuffle, B7, G

Em11 000000


switch to

E - E7 / E7b5 - Bb13
xx2100 - xx2103 / xx0100 - xx0103

new song, "oh"

G / / / Cm / / / G / / / Cm / / /
oh don't you go oh won't you oh

Dsus4 D Dsus2 G / / / Cm9/x33543
look at me when you say goodbye

I'm gonna be an uncle again!

Just the one time: w00t.

chicken tikka masala with aromatic rice

Inspired by Jimbo's recent recipe, here's my recipe for chicken tikka masala.

you will need:
1lb chicken (2 large or 3 small breasts should be around right)
1Tablespoon olive oil
3 cloves garlic
1 small onion or 1/2 large onion
1 spoonful of garam marsala
1/4 cup curry powder
1/8 cup chili powder
1 large can of crushed tomatoes
1/2 stick butter
1/2 cup heavy cream
3/4 cup cottage cheese
1 cup basmati rice
4 or 5 sprigs of mint (or raisins and almond slivers)

heat the olive oil, crush and slice the garlic and sautee it. Once half-done at very low heat, throw in the sliced and chopped onion, throw in a pinch of salt and the butter. While it melts, cube the chicken breasts and toss them in the garam marsala and then into the pan. Cook all thoroughly.

When the chicken's done, toss in the curry and chili powders and stir until they're incorporated. Pour in the tomatoes and let the mix heat up again, then include the cream and cottage cheese. Leave simmering at medium-low heat while you prepare the rice, which is stupid easy:
rice and water in a covered bowl in the microwave at full power for 5 mins, then half-power for 10 minutes. Let it sit 5 mins while you chop up the mint, which you will incorporate into the rice while fluffing with fork. (substitute golden raisins and almond slivers if you don't like minty rice).

Serve the tikka masala on the rice. Consider buying some naan bread. Serves at least 4.

so, uh, long time no post

Well the long and the short of it is I shut down for a few weeks cos I had bad company visiting daily. Which she had been for a while, at least a year? I only noticed in like Jan? or Feb? I don't remember.¹ But I was ok with her visits, really. I mean, it's touching -- bad company can't show guilt and is too proud, but still wants to know...something, I guess. Or I suppose could be genuinely worried and wants to make sure I'm not a nut? Or uses it as a way of keeping tabs on the girls? This is more likely -- especially Tai-tai (not so much mei-mei though...²), but I dunno. Anyway. I also got a phone call from her dude³. Which makes me unhappy. So I shut the blog down to keep the drama down.

^1. (Which makes comments said about me funny, in retrospect: I'm not the one trying to keep tabs by long-distance, you know? But I'm the one who got talked about as if I were a stalker or something. It's very hard to not be angry about this.)
^2. I have this theory that My Personal Little Slice of Hurt In The World is in love with Tai-tai; hence the sabotaging Tai-tai's relationships etc. Not that some didn't deserve sabotage, but still.
^3. They're married or maybe not? Also she's changed her name. I guess that makes sense.

do you always look so angry when driving?

A slide to x 0 11 x x x

d 2-11-9-11- chord x 0 11 9 9 x
a 0--0-0--0-

x 0 7 7 7 x x cascade on the e and b strings :
e 10 8 7
b --------10 8 7
g -----------------9

then E (VII) then D (V) chords then i don't know

F#m?

state of love and trust

i almost called today. how's that for breaking news, eh?

moving on, people. man, whenever i say that i miss mr jones. but no man's dead while his name is still spoken.

i had the worst day at work today

i seriously haven't felt like this since my boss at fiu spent 45 minutes detailing how he wanted to kill me and the various ways he would do it if he could.

and then i get home and i realize:

oh shit

they hired me because of my political suaveness
i'm fucked

aside: i found a transcription for martin simpson's "betsy the serving maid". it's not bad. (power tab format on ultimate-guitar if you're interested) and no fucking wonder i coudln't figure the goddamn thing out, i was trying dropped-D and DADGAD and it's in some weirdass G tuning (DGDGCF# -- seriously, what the fuck). also capo on V. aside to the aside: no actual clips of martin simpson on youtube, but here's some dude who learned some of his stuff. aside to the aside to the aside: martin simpson is one of my mixtape secret ingredients. no one expects it. my top four songs that you should download (but i will unhelpfully not provide for you, because the man earns his money,) are: "the company you keep", "betsy the serving maid", "lord gregory" and "dreamtime". I actually learned 'the company you keep' and 'dreamtime' but still kinda suck at them (actually dreamtime I got not too bad at...). if you buy an album (and you should, he's seriously omfg great), i highly recommend his 1996 LIVE AT OXFORD album above all others (although "when i was on horseback" is a good 2nd).

that bell's been ringing now for years. it sounds like needles in my ears.

Low. Mormons from Minnesota -- home of Garrison Keillor and other very white folks -- write glacially slow minimalist music. Except lately they haven't. It's strange, but the last few albums have had a decidedly wider sound to them. Which is good, but strange -- more instruments, more complex songs, but they still sound harrowingly bare, austere and distant. Even the painful songs are just...far away. Removed.

So but see their video for "Breaker": QuickTime, from their website (or here if you prefer YouTube). It's homey, but creepy.

I saw them live with Dr Robert, professional guitarist/lawyer person thing, and they are just as chill-inducing in person. (aside: Mimi Parker is achingly pretty in person. Very tall and with a kind face, but with that way that really nice people have about them that you just know if you actually manage to piss 'em off you might as well just kill yourself then and there.)



Here's more Low for you:
Dinosaur Act: http://youtube.com/watch?v=kTGghNXgxnk
Because You Stood Still: http://youtube.com/watch?v=QPFDix37UZw
Whore: http://youtube.com/watch?v=ArPQvYGrM_w (live)
(That's How You Sing) Amazing Grace: http://youtube.com/watch?v=y2Res0JMuI4 (live but such excellent quality. Very spacey.)

The weather's been gorgeous lately. Yesterday as I left work in the afternoon, the breeze was just perfect, the sky was the light blue filled with perfect white clouds and just to the south the moon was visible even though it was still daylight. Windy days used to remind me of being in love in school, climbing the hills and smoking, listening to tori and ministry and singing the cure. Now it just reminds me of itself. "What do fish remind you of?" "Other fish."

you raise me up just to bring me down

The Ubiquitous Mr Lovegrove, Live in DC. Well over a year later, this song still reminds me of all that misery. On the bright side, that bass line is fucking wicked.

hunting, central FL, exec summary

2 boar, very hot, hunting from a swamp buggy is different from hunting on the ground, especially with dogs that will NOT still worrying the boar...also: perfect weather, remember to compare and contrast the still hour of 4am when coming to it by staying up or coming to it by /waking/ up, that country music can be considered just about anything and that gator meat smells fetid.

disdain with one eyebrow raised.

this something positive strip (to sum up: chick from davan's past asks him to go with her for an abortion) reminded me of no less than three people who have all been surprised by the fact that i don't have 'oh fuck' reactions to a lot of things.

And I hope when you think of me years down the line you can't think of one good thing to say

This is amazing: an audience sing-along with the Mountain Goats' "No Children"

Courtesy of Largehearted Boy, whose music blog is one of the few that doesn't suck on a variety of levels. Seriously, check out the blog -- full concerts by bands that don't suck etc etc.

Lyrics here in case you want to sing along yourself.

different poerformance:

when i broke, i became normal?

staggolee Stagger Lee Stack-A-Lee Stacker Lee

The Stagger Lee Files, about the different versions of the song.

The Annotated "Stagger Lee", about the Grateful Dead version specifically but also includes some history. ...and the actual Stag Lee story that inspired the song(s).

I really love how it's this one mutating story that moves from musician to musician and it's the same thing, but always a bit different, for example, check out the lyrics to Nick Cave's surprisingly filthy version and then compare Dylan's.

Versions:
Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds: Album version, and live.
Grateful Dead, live.
Isley Brothers.
Lloyd Price.
RL Burnside.
Samuel L. Jackson.
Mississippi John Hurt.
Tony Furtado.

I'm still looking for the James Brown and Bob Dylan versions.

I truly never expected to see an article about this.

I mean, seriously. I've been accused of being over-analytical, but even I have limits.

Howstuffworks "How Kissing Works"

Calling down the moon, a red giant.

Well, as it turns out, this is bogus. See Shaunyx's comment for the snopes link. Mea culpa, I'm a jackass.

Planet Mars will be the brightest in the night sky starting August. It will look as large as the full moon to the naked eye. This will cultivate on Aug. 27 when Mars comes within 34.65M miles of earth. Be sure to watch the sky on Aug. 27 12:30 am. It will look like the earth has 2 moons. The next time Mars may come this close is in 2287.

Mail from my aunt Zoe to me through my mom. Fuckin' aye.

probably come to die in this town

brutal music:

Big Black's "Kerosene", live. Steve Albini, one of the most antagonistic and principled people in the music business. Check the credits in your record collection, I bet you've got something he's producedrecorded.


My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult's "A Daisy Chain 4 Satan", live. I recently found the MLWTTKK website again and now it's got PDF's of the lyrics. Whoa, I've been singing this song wrong for ~10 years now. I like my version better, even if the only lyric I could make out was, in fact, wrong. (I keep singing "dream war" instead of "dream why").

who's got the happy bag?

2nd performance at the whauses; didn't actually play guitar but did live video while bunny ran off to drink beer and whatever else and dj ipod dropped aphex and autechre next to nicole mixing in wicked shit with the chaos pad. nel and her boyfriend showed up; this one is normal-ish and apparently not bad for her. which is a refreshing change. saw solo, life's been rough lately looks like, but he's still hanging on. motherfucker escaped his country on horseback, so playa can take the hits i guess. i kept getting "who's got the happy bag" cos the little green bag was next to me and i didn't even know it. dude standing next to me going "whoa" and giggling in a disturbing way for like 15 minutes while i faded the video in and out and fluttered the nature footage.

dream 23jul07

i am in my bedroom, fooling w/ a guitar -- it's an 8 string fretless bass with a jelly body that only flexes when i want it to, weighs nothing and is impossible to tune. someone joins me and i am in a music store, and we bullshit and i leave and outside it's like an office bldg downtown or miami dade and a rocket goes off and then i driving on a highway -- elevated, like a bridge -- my viewpoint goes from 3rd person to 1st as i zoom into myself and i am driving with an older woman; attractive, tall, slender but not thin. we are flirting but driving on our way to stop a missle or rocket. we see one take off from the water, and then i am on a cliff but there's a waterfall and a sort of setup where people can ride carts perpendicular to the fall and if they get to the edge without toppling they win -- a sort of contest. first couple sink immediately, the 3rd dude starts to make it but has no traction in the water -- no weight in the back to keep the paddles in the water -- and when he finally sorts that out, winds up shooting right over the fall. the 4th dude makes it to the edge and speeds off and whoa i am him now except now it's a car (shitty pseudo sporty car) and i am driving down roads with a lot of very S. FL. undergrowth encroaching -- palms etc -- and i get to a light and i see lisbert talking to a blond girl looks like priscilla but i want to call her jessica and yet is neither, and lis is telling this girl how to be a flirt and i drive off and as i drive the path behind me changes so that if i turn around (with great difficulty at an intersection -- fucking trucks!) the way is not what it had been. eventually there's a place where the path is submerged and i am riding a tricycle like abuela gypsi's but lucky it's not deep water -- to the ankle at most -- except something scratches or bites my right ankle as i'm about 4/5ths of the way out and as i stop on solid land i wake.

dream 21jul07 -- i dreamed i dream

i am in a huge hosue -- many floors, rooms, almost an apt bldg or office bldg -- and organizing a tribute or compilation album and sonic youth is there, and lee ranaldo was being a total dick to me, second guessing my every choice on the record; "why are you doing it like this? what's wrong with that?" etc etc. amusing because i don't think i've ever even heard the man speak. lots of things happened -- friends showed up etc -- but nothing really bad or sad. i wake confused.

remember: capo iv & ef#gab cmaj7 & the 8vadream

Corbin, I got fire

olds:
AZIZ! LIGHT! "When the guy who played quiet, introspective Nino Quincampoix starts shrieking “GIMME DA CASHHHHHHHHH,” it’s an odd, yet kickass moment." executive summar of fifth element: B+. The message is heavyhanded, but the symbolism is nice, and the medium (particularly the use of the absurd) is beautiful. Worth noting that it's all from the comic -- Gary Oldman didn't just choose to be a nutjob; that's the fucking part.

I've been Simpsonized.

I need to find a reputable tat place. At BestBuy of all places, I found the new Sunn O))) and Boris disc. No drives under 100$ or smaller than 120GB though. Which sucks.

dug through old poetry books, found old bits of myself and other people. i remember reading a song lyric to an old band and them laughing at a line "beat beat freak cheat you beat yourself again boy" because they thought it was a j/o reference, but really I was just counting off Nelly's boyfriends.

Chicken's peck after the moz show was kinda depressing; it really drove home how not in that arena I am. I made a wise choice not moving in w/ her. Oh God, the dramabiotics necessary would have killed us both.

I cannot stop playing "Speedway". It's such a pretty song.

as i live and breathe you have killed me

best Saturday ever? in the last 24 hours, I have:

• played a show with olde friendes (see previous entry)
  
• seen the new harry potter movie (shut up)
• gotten drunk dialed by saltdog again at 4 in the afternoon, who hung up on me while telling his girl "hey you wanna have hogwarts sex? i got my magic wand..."
• gone to a morrissey show with laura squirt; despite getting lost (twice) and the long ass drive it was so fucking worth it. They played "please please please let me get what i want" and "the boy with the thorn in his side" and "girlfriend in a coma". also, it was like a guitar-porn orgy up there: gretsch's, tele's (fat and classic), hollowbodies, a firebird (during "how soon is now?"), some custom strat-style thing with a hole in the headstock (maybe alternate tuning system? boz boorer beat the fuck out of it. heard two new songs "all you need is me" and "that's how people grow up" which were great and had a lot of really dry humor.
  
• speaking of the show, i walked in and stood in the aisle for like 2 seconds and got a slap on the arm: it was nelly and savina (and savina's Mr, first i meet him) who I haven't seen in forever and ever (literally: savi now has 2 kids and last i saw her she was preggers with the first. who is now 7 years old. nelly is still crazy. loveable, sweet, still hunched over and a lot more tattoo'd, but crazy as fuck.)
  
• long phone convo and plans to hang tomorrow with litltrublgrl

Best part of the moz show: everyone, absolutely everyone in the audience singing along to "girlfriend in a coma". A sense of maybe not unity but a general "yeah we're all here and having fun". Of course, 30 minutes later the boorish drunks started getting annoying...

into ether

So The Blackroom broke up and no more band for me. BUT last night I did in fact play with Bunny & Nestor (who is dating the Good Witch, odd bit of synchronicity) and some chick who I promptly forgot her name; apparently she's primarily a DJ but last night it was 3 laptops and one guitar -- me. Bunny did live video loops, Nestor dropped live ambient and the chick dropped a few loops too. Things to remember: the Dm shape on the mid strings, bending. the walking bassline with the stutter strut. the dub line. the high diads+low drop. I wasn't real happy with the clean guitar sound, wish I hadn't given Eden those pedals before he left (or at least gotten them back...) oh well, what goes around comes around.

Last night was just a birthday party for Nicole (another DJ), but end of month we're doing it again to celebrate the film they got into the festival thing that won something or other. You're invited. Yes, you.

dream 12jul07

I am in a classroom, at university, it is dark but not in a bad way -- like an overcast day or just late afternoon -- and I have just left one class and come to this one, it is my first day and it is a language class. The prof is a mix between buddy-buddy and piss & vinegar, a younger randall prentis jones perhaps less cynical or less overt about his affected cynicism. this is not said, it's just one of those things you know in dreams, although his manner and how he speaks give some of it away. i like this class very much and afterwards there is some congregation of the students and it starts to feel somewhat like an impromptu party or get together and she's there and a palpable wave of sadness just washes over me, and i am sorry we cannot be friends, that we hurt each other so, and i grieve and i am walking in an outside hallway at an apartment complex, so familiar but i've never been there, and it's my uncle's place but it isn't the real place, just in my dream i know that this is his place and it's by the sea, somewhat like mercy hospital is with a malecon right by there, and it's breezy but not overly, and the water crashes against the rock barrier in a languid almost calm way while i knock on the door and there's a dog, and i have to get something or do something in the apartment and i finish up and walk out and now there's a light forest between the water and the exterior hallway and it's still late afternoon when the twilight starts to cool and darken and she's there and we don't say anything but we're friends again and laughing at something silly and i realize it's a dream and i wake.

i'm the operator with my pocket calculator

I can't stop playing with it since I saw this over at penny-arcade.

You live your life like Love's on ration: where's the passion?

Jesus, I want this so badly: New drug to erase traumatic memories

Title from Fad Gadget's "I Discover Love", but I can't find that on the web, so you get Fad Gadget's video for "Collapsing New People". I'm kind of surprised that Marylin Manson hasn't covered FG yet.

The Ubiquitous Mr Lovegrove

I miss you too. If you'd been able to see me as a person, we'd still be friends.

Happy independence day.

book

tracklisting so far:
someone you know is one of us
anon.penet.fi
lullaby
your faithful serpent,
hunter / hunter
when Medusa saw your heart
what the leopard was looking for
wilderness of mirrors
sioni bod da
curio shop
malthusian cloud projection

happiness controls you

The buddhist idea that desire is suffering always made sense to me, but I don't know if I believe that the way to nirvana is by getting rid of desire. Might be my inner catholic, but reining desire in and putting it towards constructive use makes more sense than subjugating it or denying it or what-have-you.

I mean, hummingbirds don't know that they burn through calories and need high amounts of sugar to keep their inner reactors going. They just know that the sweet stuff in plants is mmmmm mmmmm good. Draw your own parallels with sex, drugs, rock and roll, whatever gets you off. That they get pollen on 'em and fulfill their raison d'etre is well beyond what they know. This bullshit self-awareness and torture makes us special, different.

Then again, the idea is not to kill desire, but to move beyond it, accept things the way they are. Nam myoho renge kyo.

So are you a slave to your desires? Does your happiness control you? Are you a slave to yourself?

well, at least i didn't spend all day in a bar...

man...errands & responsibilities... and i was supposed to go to a poker game, but let down lisbert & willy. again.

Ran across Church #9's post on Capt Beefheart...now there's a dude who had shit to say and did it, and when he finished, he finished. I don't know, I don't think I could just give up music, but then again, it's a not a job for me. And I'm not that good a painter. I wonder what beefheart's paintings look like. If it's anything like his music, it's eschaton with whipped cream and chocolate entrails on it.

the ballad of too little too late

wrote a new song yesterday. or finished cannibalizing an old one? new one's "when medussa saw your heart". showed jms, the gtrist, some old songs and he was all about recording them next week. finally get to put "curio shop", "mr millipede" and "sioni bod da" away, and I hope also "your faithful serpent". I don't know though. That song scares me.

low end theory

so, bass. yeah. haven't played in a rock band in so long, it feels really nice. they are indeed a good group. we are a good group. very individual each of us, likeable and worth knowing. the songs have some very specific parts but are in general kind of open -- just basic "these are the chords, this is the melody...321GO". Show on friday which I was going to have to miss due to Orlando, but now maybe I can play on Friday...things are still up in the air vis-a-vis that. i find myself thinking of my conversation with johann hz about the bass and the deepness of it. i love that one really low note with it's overtones, just fills out a room, harmonically. My A-string was weak on the open note, I don't know if that was the pickups on the P-bass fucking up (they are 20 years old...) or the amp's EQ cutting that A440 out.

Found out who the CD is dedicated to; friend of Davis' who went into a coma and died. Reminded me of Injun Joe; Eden told me after Joe got into his coma from getting hit by the semi on his motorcycle that his girlfriend at the time tried to talk to him and stuff -- he was in a coma for like 2 years -- and he would cry when she put headphones on him and played him his fave song by Dead Can Dance. Such a good kid. Death at random is just...I don't know, kind of insulting. I mean, it really drives home the point that you're just another animal alive at the whim of chance and on the sufferance of circumstance.

mightier than the sword, at any rate...

Bill:
"No man or woman is ever worth your tears, and the one that is will never make you cry."

What utter bullshit.

Pat:
Sounds like good (general) advice to me. By the time it stopped being relevant you wouldn't be taking general relationship advice anyway.

Steven:
No, it's terrible advice. There are only two types of people who can make you cry—those that are completely worthless pieces of shit and those who make a true connection with you. I guess it's possible for one person to be both types at once, but the second type is the type that you should want to make a relationship with even if they break your heart once or twice along the way.

'Struth. Still haven't had leaky eyes. I don't know if that means I'm broken or that I'm not.

Le petit morte

My Bloody Valentine's "Loveless" is the most intense music to have sex to, ever. 4 days later and I still have a headache. I can't describe it more than to say it's a lot of overwhelming, and it made me feel every single moment in slow motion. Beats Acid Mother Temple's "La Novia" and Miles' "Kind of Blue" hands-down. The tantric breathing might have helped, though. cf: convo w/ lisbert w/r/t the french calling the orgasm "the little death" circa 97? before our big falling out ages ago.

I saved my cousin Veronica's life when I was 9 and she was i want to say 5; pulled her out of the pool by her hair. Hans, Tio Mel's Shepherd, just standing there, Michelle confused and screaming. Tio Mel going WTFWTF and he pulled her out of the water. I don't know why summer reminds me of that.

Dream: 8jun07 high school classrooms, the hall next to the band room, one of the piano labs is now a business office and ex-co-workers are there telling me how much they miss my company¹. Leave and into hallway B walks fast and pointedly does not make eye contact with me; i can feel the fury in her movements. Amusingly everyone is dressed in Victorian clothing. There's something about cars -- a trans am? something like that -- and a double bass is involved somewhere. Something weird about geometry in the dream, spatial relationships -- walls, floors, hallways etc -- keep shifting. It's off-putting. I wake confused.

Birthdays past and birthdays coming up...must remember to remember. Or something.

Segue: Nikola Tesla, synesthete, genius and all around weirdo has been on my mind of late.<sup>2

1</sup> Actually this is correct. Vij has lamented to me how it's no fun anymore, whereas most everyone else is all "so things are better without D around, eh?" No one really appreciates the curative powers of levity; my main function those last weeks was keeping V from hating the job as much as I did.

² That's a snippet from some show. Full show is here: pt. 1 pt. 2 pt. 3 pt. 4

God used me as a hammer, boys, to pound his weary drum

Outstanding new Indian w/ H, excellent conversation. Must go back there soonish. Also have to find out where the other place is that Pika mentioned to Vij is. Had to stop by Med again to hand in old stuff -- cel, laptop, shirts, etc -- and everything's just STRESS left and right. I kind of miss it, because they're doing so much fun stuff, but not enough to really feel bad about leaving. There's a lot to learn and do here, and I'm just starting to get into it.

edit: conversation w/ H @ dinnar w/r/t how friendships and trust are something you gain over time has not left me yet. I think I'm going to lauderdale to get another guitar.

30 years old, redux.

Let's recap:

broke a heart, prevented a suicide, fucked up a relationshit, had piece of art dedicated to me, got a new car, got sold out on a hike, had my heart broken and jumped up and down on, got chosen over a bad friend, lost all faith in pretty much all of humanity as a whole¹, my old man hit the hospital twice, my mom once, one brother is an asshole (house issues), one brother also had heart broken plus legal problems, i think i broke another heart but i'm not sure, quit smoking, got a new bass, joined a band, wrote an album, started a book, have read a buncha books², found a bunch od really great new music³, started drinking again, made a bunch of new friends who rock, shipped a friend off to Texas, will ship a friend to Tennessee, learned to cook Indian and Greek, said hello to Tai-tai's brand-new baby girl, became a master seducer, totally failed at women, totally rocked at women, got a new job, my sister got married, am learning how to be at peace around others without withdrawing, picked up a bunch of new work skillsets, lost weight, gained weight, lost weight again, worried a bunch, stopped caring, hated more intensely than I really thought possible⁴, got my kink on, got my vanilla on, learned to be an appropriately sweet person, shocked myself with my venom*, and am still -- right now, actually -- putting the idea of karma to practice, started to learn Portuguese (really have to practice more before I bust that out tho).

In retrospect, I wound up with better people in my life overall, as opposed to a false friend. Which is better, but I still feel used, thrown away. I don't know if that was a really fair trade. But I've heard that the way you know when a deal is really fair is if both sides walk away feeling ripped off. I really wish I could have learned that lesson some other way, but when even asking doesn't get you basic decency.... My lot in life has improved and I got stronger. Overall, I would say progress. I'm certainly not happier, per se. I'm less trusting, less open. Maybe that's safer. I don't know. I care a little less.

Happy birthday to me.

¹ You know how I don't have any male best friends? Now I don't have any female best friends either. Thanks. ² David Foster Wallace's "A History of Infinity", Bill Bryson's "Made In America", Norah Vincent's "Self-made Man", Neil Gaiman's "Anansi Boys" all top the list. ³ well, new to me at any rate: Depeche Mode, Iron & Wine, Of Montreal, Klaxons, Daft Punk, Graham Parsons, Neutral Milk Hotel, Belle & Sebastian, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, Arcade Fire, a bunch of other stuff. And I got back into afrobeat: FELA! Also, I kinda learned to dance. That could just be vodka though. I don't know yet. ⁴ see note ¹ above, but also: "seeing red", not just an expression. you can become so angry that it hurts you.

weekend, redux

The short version:


my sister got married

and i have a new office along with my new job:



I had a migraine and woke up with a bump on my throat. Also, I slept like 12 hours yesterday.

"Be faithful to that which exists within yourself."

i have the best friends in the whole world. i wish i could really tell them how much i love them. tai-tai's all kinds of back to normal more or less after the kid. kinda hiding how happy and giddy she is, she's so loving mommy-hood. dutchie's gonna be a moron for daddy's little girl, it's so funny. sun's all whoa between law school and the new boy. sterling is so much harder to read, and fuck knows i'm so bad at that anyway, but she's got this devil-may-care attitude about everything that's kind of surprising because she never struck me as the kind of person to be so laissez-fare (i want to spell that faire but firefox says no, it's "fare". whatever.) about life. H comes & goes. Mill's is rushing headlong into romance and tennessee but is so much better with this guy that it's all i can do not to cheer her on. mel's getting married tomorrow (well, the party, anyway, she's been hitched for a while). he's such a good kid and she needs that.



tai-tai and sun saved my life, and i don't really know how to put that into words. tai-tai's never really needed any help, except her relationshit stuff and that was all minor-league stuff or the baby's bed and that was just a money thing so pfft. sun's weather freak-outs are kinda silly to me but i know what it's like to wig out over shit no-one else feels, so i can't do anything except try to talk her away from the wigging-out. i'm just about all angry-song'd out, maybe i could write them something nice. i wonder whatever happened to that drywall i painted and snapped into rough trypic-pieces held together with yellow nylon rope.

mon petit vulcan

So. I have a band now. Or maybe this band has a bassist now? I don't know how "in" I am, but I liked them and they appeared to like me, and the drummer called back same day saying 'ok, yr in'. I emailed them via cragislist and they hit me back with their myspace and I hit them back with old music of mine own and we agree to meet. So I learned their songs from their myspace (admittedly I learned one of them wrong because I was in the wrong tuning, but whatever, transposition is not hard) and that coupled with my odd tastes ("Seriously, who plays Bjork on the bass?" -- hell son, I'm the playa that tabbed that bitch out -- and that was in what, 98? -- for ye olde OLGA archives at nevada.edu) got me in. I would roughly describe them as Black Heart Procession with heavy Joy Division leanings. They all seem amicable, good guys. There was another guy jamming with them that weekend, first time playing guitar in a band but supposedly knows keys and drums, and I do dig multi-instrumentalists. Maybe I'll get to do a full-band version of "Your Faithful Serpent" ? That would be nice.



Had sushi with H (whose sunburn I peeled), then V (whose picture I took), then M (whose fiance I just met) last week. I'm about sushi'd out. Last two days at the Med school coming up, and then Law. I'm a bit nervous. Kinda sucks in that we just tripled the network size (from 10K to 30K!) AND I was just starting to learn the Checkpoint (in addition to the Netscreens and Cisco). Checkpoint's a goddamned PITA, but the amount of granular control is fucking godlike. At least I'm not leaving Vij or Frank in the lurch. Wish I'd been able to go to the crashcourse for the CCNA or CISSP, but them's the breaks. I'll see if law ponies up the beaucoup bux for 'em.

I was a lover before this war.

Found a band whose online demo I didn't hate from the word go. Time to whore myself again and see if we get on, I guess. I miss playing music. We'll see how it goes.

Enjoy the somewhat artsy fartsy fan made video for "I Was A Lover" by TV On The Radio: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPyp92pExAg

round hole, square peg indeed.

ouch.

You know, postsecret is a truly genius idea. It fulfills a certain voyeuristic thrill at seeing others' secrets, it encourages art and beauty in the world, it works as a release valve for those holding secrets in and those viewing them as well, and finally, it holds a mirror up to those viewing them. That's a lot of spinning plates.

I saw the exhibit and it was moving, and then it was Sunday and I saw the updated page and the postcard here, and for the first time ever since then, I felt like that again. It is heartbreakingly sad and beautiful and it took my words away.

I love that bridge postcard. I wish I'd sent it in.

I sent mine in. It's the photo of us smiling at the Days' Inn, playing pool.

I went to the postsecret exhibit in the Design District in Miami today. Lots of very moving postcards, some more than others.



It was really neat seeing a whole bunch lined up, the handwriting on them, so beautiful and sad and happy.

I will be in the bar, with my head, on the bar.

Since Mills is going to go to TN soonish, I like hanging out with her before that happens. She likes the key lime pie at the dive bar, chez b's, so that's where we go. honestly the pie's just kind of OK. I prefer key lime to be a bit fluffier, but whatever. So haven't seen Mills in shit like two weeks and we made plans to meet there for dinner, rocking out the chicken strips and pie. She tell me about her divorce BS, I tell her mine, she tells me her job quitting thing, I tell her mine, and et viola, the actress' ghost comes in. I am fine after a few, and Mills, bless her heart, offers to be mean to her for me. I'm still counting on karma to do it for me, so I hold that back. After a while my faithful serpent's sullen look bores me and I'm laughing with Mills again. After we settle up, as we're leaving, I go past the store and there's Tai-tai & Dutch w/ the kid who is literally shit-you-not The Cutest Fucking Baby Ever. Got that angry pink sheen from her momma. I want to tell my faithful serpent how pretty the baby is and how sad it is that they're not friends anymore, but I don't think she'd see it as a comment but an attack. So the safer, more polite course of action takes precedence and just say nothing. I hope her karma doesn't fuck her up too bad; there's a good person under all that acting, somewhere. Stace thinks I'm a chump. She's right. A chump and a soft touch. Not on that matter. I'm just sad about it. It's like...I can't even describe it. It's like every bad thing you've ever thought about yourself is shown to you, in personally painful and graphic detail, to be absolutely true. Think about every moment you've been down or doubtful about yourself.



Yeah, like that.



After a quick discussion vis-a-vis breastfeeding and leaky breasts, we all dip since Avery's gettin' hungry and Stace ain't gonna whip 'em out right then and there. Tai-tai says Mills and I should have a kid. We've discussed it but let's see how that TN thing works out, eh? Also, I wanna see how the Little Trouble Girl thing pans out. She got hammered and drunk dialed me last night, very cute, very funny. 2nd drunk dial in recent memory.



Work gets slowly more hostile as I ride out my last days since I gave notice; very strange -- since the jax guys hanging around more even they have commented how I appear to be persona non grata. Also, we recieved a bomb threat today. Warning email was very vague and

not followed up, it's like our communications office is trying to incite panic. In some ways I'm kind of torn about leaving, cos now with the net TRIPLING in size, that's fucking exciting to contemplate -- a whole redesign from scratch on a net that's fucking huge, shit there are smaller cities! And yet, I know I'm doing the right thing. I need to get out of my comfort zone, even if it means Windows and a smaller network.





Made another Moz mix for the car while at the 'rents fixing their computard, maybe post that later.

welcome to this world

Today, at 105pm, tai-tai's baby was born.

I don't know anyone else in that area code

I think I just got drunk-dialed by saltdog. THAT is funny. Got tickets to see Morrissey with Chicken in July and tomorrow I will see Grindhouse with Little Trouble Girl.

I mighta been born yesterday but I stayed up all night

God's in the strangest places. To wit: two days ago everyone had dipped but me & vij, so we hit lunch together at the chinese joint with Ang and Necu -- they dipped early cos they had a meeting to go to -- and wound up sitting briefly with a prominent geneticist (no links because this is a a personal blog blahblahblah but he's SMRT for realz and a big-wig nationally in his field) and wound up having a discussion about religion and it's role in science. For someone who'd put science in such focus in his life, he was remarkably open-minded about religion (paraphrasing, but along the lines of "to be as adamant about the non-existance of god as a lot of atheists are seems kind of closed-minded, especially if you're a scientist and supposed to be figuring things out, not just assuming they are the way you want"). Dude was totally cool and more relaxed than I'd seen him otherwise, although to be fair, other times I'd seen him had been during emergencies, so uh yeah, I get frazzled too.

He also went into a tangent about astrology -- as an example, i think, i forget how we got into it as a subject -- and how maybe it isn't planets or what-have-you, but rather the general temperature patterns during gestation that affect personalities, IE, gemini's are bastards, cancers are sensitive etc etc because during gestation they had colder or hotter womb temp averages, and he had seen in his own work how minute temperature changes in utero or in vitro could affect outcomes drastically and dramatically. Interesting thought.

post title courtesy El Producto's new album, "I'll sleep when you're dead", which is still growing on me. Good, but so far I like "Fantastic Damage" more (although the Trent Reznor guest spot was weird on the new one).

Mawwige, twue wuv.

Rose left. Been speaking to the Little Trouble Girl, playing guitar by myself and drinking wine. Hung out with the Crafty Witch, made my world-famous (that's not an exagerration) grilled cheese sammiches, tried her tapenade, watched "The Wicker Man" and played guitar and got to meet her friend Sunny and then we discussed relationships and love and marriage. I don't know. I think she's ugh about marriage because the commitment is just a big scary thing and feels dishonest to say "forever, you and only you" especially about love, because the heart is such a fickle fucking cat. But I never really thought that marriage was about that, at least not by the time I got to thinking about that. I don't know that I got across that I didn't think that marriage had to be about that, but it was like she just didn't want to think about marriage not being about love forever and every monogamy. Which, I'm no advocate for polyamory specifically, in whatever flavors it comes in, but from what I know of her specific feelings about monogamy, and the legalities of marriage, it sounds like the only way she could have a relationship (not specifically marriage) for a longer period of time and not get all heartbroken and insane.

But then again, consider my folks' marriage. I dunno. Dysfunction vs just putting up w/ it?

Buddhism's suffering-stems-from-desire totally makes sense, especially when viewed in the context of relationships: every relationship problem I've ever even heard of has been the result of what A wants and what B wants differing and that not being made absolutely clear because communication between them having been less than clear. A good friend of mine broke up with his fiancee because he wanted kids and she absolutely didn't and thankfully they realized this before that marriage happened, and they broke up and he found another chick muuuuch more well suited to his temperament and humor. And she does want kids. So there you have it.

The more I consider it, the more I think that marriage should not be about capital-L Love but about lowercase-l love and a recognized partnership. Comrades-at-arms, with fucking and love. Not some romantic idiocy of the twue-wuv variety thinking that things will always be wine and roses. Part of what makes the joyous moments so sweet is that there are the bitter moments to contrast them against. It can always be so much worse, you know? You hold on to the good and you let go the bad and when it gets really bad you go back to the good and weigh it and decide whether it's enough to stick around for. And part of that marriage thing is just a promise to try really fucking hard. Sometimes you promise yourself, and sometimes you promise the other person, or God, or a judge or whatever. As serious as you make it, man, just like anything else.

I want to tease the crack in you:


Sonic Youth's "Sleepin' Around"

Smashing Pumpkins' "Pennies"

little trouble girl

sonic youth vid in honor of new friend apparently. litl troubl grl, seems a conglomerate of dee, bee, sun, ces, maybe a bit of reven. whoa havent thought of her in ages. also briefly remembered RA from 7thh grade? funny i remember edgar mocking because she was so annoying and i was crushing and all i remember about that is feeling bad. tht's not true but i don't want to remember any more details. the past a different country etc

dream: haiti, lines in travel queues waiting to get in, driving around, rose w/ me then stace, inside a bodega looking place the trouble starts -- zombies, well, it's haiti, what do you expect -- and in a building next to the shack we're sheltering in, above & looking down from a party, b is dancing and laughing and i'm in it to my neck and it's no picnic but i feel pity for her, and i don't know if i'm forcing myself or not but there's knifework to be done so the unexamined life prevails. i get us out, but we lose stuff. i shrug. stuff is easy to replace.

god i'm drunk now. red red wine stay cloes to me.

SAMPLE HOROSCOPE FOR GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): Put down that chainsaw! Turn off the particle accelerator!
Leave the exploding pudding cups at home! Right now, playing a practical joke could open an energy
vortex into another dimension. Instead of pranks, maybe try some of those Random Acts of Kindness?

...from http://askdreldrich.com

Do not listen to Doctor Mario

He is not a medical professional

I can't stop laughing at this comic. As Jeph from Questionable Content says, it's the funniest comic about Doctors who are not also Ninjas. I'll have to clean up all my links and drop that in

Yeah, me too. Sad dream this morning, old ghosts getting put to bed etc.

all those people drinking lover's spit

Broken Social Scene - "Lover's Spit" Music Video



Live in Ottowa

GBBV Day

Ah, good ol' Great Big Blowing Void Day.

To be honest, it doesn't have the urgency, pain and emptiness that it used to. Maybe I am just mellowing with age. Maybe it's just the numbness that came post the my faithful serpent episode. I was at lunch with H on saturn'sday and we started talking about how she was just so ready to get the hell out of her parent's house and it was really R who helped, and that's why H thinks R is the best bitch since sliced bread (I'm paraphrasing) and H asked me if I had anyone like that. I don't -- which she thought was sad, and I suppose it might be -- and the Bee was really the last one like that. Before that was Mo, and that turned out...poorly. Eden and Bunny are cool, but we've scattered to the winds. Which is a shame sometimes cos man they could make some music. I really miss the comfort of having someone that I could trust like that -- to call at whatever time and just know that it would be ok to talk if it was necessary. I mean, Sun's great and Tai-Tai and Mei-Mei are of course bastions of sincerity and strength, but I have to admit there are things I would not tell them without a Serious Need To. And it's not like Bee had a free pass to deepest darkest dave, but she had one. I thought she'd earned it, but then again, I thought Mo'd earned it too.

Half the people I know think they got me pegged or think that they know me well. Maybe Sun a bit and maybe Mills a bit. Mostly they got a leg or a trunk or an ear...I don't think anyone sees the whole elephant.

Cess introduced me to a friend, pretty girl, who's got danger written on her in two-foot-tall letters, worse than the ninja redhead. I think I surprised both of them by being very honest. I don't know, I thought I was being aloof. And I am pretty sure the chick, let's call her Blunt Girl for the sake of whatever, thinks I'm ten kinds of jerk or stupid. And I am pretty sure they both think I let slip intimate details or something, but I just don't think anyone can really get at my emotions anymore. To misquote ye olde lowbrow, "that's not scar tissue on the broken heart...that's a callous"

today is naming of parts

Whoa, Lisbert had a baby girl. And so will Stacy. And like two others are tick tick ticking hardcore. i wouldn't mind, but alas, alas. Broken and all fall down as the song says. I don't know anymore. Mixed signals and I don't know, I just want to play music with people but it's always a let down. I miss how things were but I'm glad they're not like that anymore, I guess. Like, Deadline Poet, so much fun. But I wouldn't play music with Mo again for love or money. I do miss playing with Capt'n Winkler, though -- he's another that's got progeny on order -- in retrospect, we were such weird kids. I mean, jazz, blues and metal, with intermissions for a game of pool and discussing religion and philosophy. Not that I was particularly good at any of those things, but still. and in a way, i'm sad i never got that bee tat when i wanted it, cos now i can't get it, but then again, easier to forget i guess. wipe that memory lie away. i've been daydreaming about 1, after a week of daydreaming about 3, who has me all sorts of confused, and 2, who has me just sad. I just realized after like an hour of daydreaming: never in a million years. i mean, i took two lessons away last independence day: don't trust anyone and to turn the phrase around, lo que es pa' mi, nadie lo quiere. (the actual phrase mills informs me is "lo que es pa' ti nadie te lo quita").

at least i finally stopped listening to depressing music. more or less.

speaking of music, get down w/ the Black President doing "Army Arrangement":


and from the same performance, "Teacher, Don't Teach Me Nonsense":


The more I learn about Fela, the more I think he was a fucking genius. So you say you were arrested by the government because you wrote an album/song called "Zombie" that critized the government, so they came to your house, beat you up, planted weed on you, arrested you when you ate it so they could wait for you to shit it out, so you had to haggle with other prisoners for their shit so you wouldn't get busted, but the government had to let you go.

Except humor lives no matter what, so you write the whole experience down as another album designed to piss people off, called "Expensive Shit", so this time, when they come knocking, they beat you up and throw your mother out the window, which causes injuries that eventually kill her...

Except still, because you're a genius and you can still laugh and cry at the same time and you're STILL angry, you have her coffin delivered to the nearest Army barracks and write about it as "Coffin For Head Of State"....

is that what's bothering you, fella? or Fela?

How can the angels sleep when the devil leaves his porch light on all night?

Robert Anton Wilson, co-author of the Illuminatus! trilogy (among other things), psychonaut, geniune pope and all-around good guy dedicated to improving the lot of the human race, has shuffled off this mortal coil.





Tom Waits, "God's Away On Business"