2 weeks ago last thurs

i finally stopped hating my personal little slice of hurt in the world, thursday 2 weeks ago at 2am.

more proof i am a bad person

so eden calls me up. "your favorite person is back in miami." "would you be friends again...it was a long time ago, he's a different person, blahblhablhablhablah"

i don't care anymore. i mean, it would be cool if i could trust people again. it would be nice to be able to make friends without pulling fucking teeth. but nothing's going to undo that, so why bother? to pretend he wasn't a bad person? to act like I'm and he's OK and everything's cool? I might as well call the bee up and say lets play pool or whatever. which again, pa' que? i dunno. Eden's acting like he throws me into a rage, but it's really kind of worse because i feel nothing. He didn't care then, so why fake it now? I dont' get it. Indifference, which man...fuck I tried with that guy man. Afterwards, I mean. I tried the hardest and he just fucking threw it in my fucking face. So karma can take of that, I guess.

also, sun's mad at me now and i don't know why. but i guess i'm enough of an asshole that asking for a specific reason is kind of silly. putting me off for weeks with 'don't want to talk' which i know what it's like but then hangs with tai or mei? girl things, i don't know. and I don't even know if it's me or not. asking just makes it worse without explaining anything.

oh and laurachicken gets brain surgery soonish.

and i find out the sex this weekkkkkkkkkkkkk

finally three days later my leg stopped hurting although last night more stabbing pains. i think about vic, you know. i mean, he was fine that week. put in a full day and we said later and i left him working on some windows shit with W and poof he's gone. i gotta set things up for in case i shuffle off this mortal coil. I think of Dee and her bloodclot in her leg.

you promised me poems.

Another year, and it gets further away and it hurts less, I guess. Eventually I will be able to stop feeling it at all. And if there were even the slightest bit of genuine sorry, we could be friends. Such a bitter pill. Last night at the big B, rockin' it with Tai-tai:

me: So I'm sad.
tai-tai: Why?
me: because it's the 4th of July.
tai-tai: So?
me: It's my anniversary for when my drama-llama bullshit happened.
tai-tai: oh.
me: I mean, I bet you don't even remember when the thing with your sister happened.
tai-tai: no, I don't know the day or even the month. I remember where i was and what I was doing.
me: but that's my point. I can't forget, and even if I did, there's fucking fireworks to remind me.
tai-tai: like a party! YAY!

are you an amateur or is it you're unkind?

title courtesy of The Bird and The Bee's "fucking boyfriend", which song was what was playing on the CD that I gave Little Trouble Girl after her romantic misadventure with her puppy-love/co-worker person thing when she was driving to work and ran into (figuratively) said puppy-love/coworker. Like some shit out of a John Hughes movie or something.

speaking to squirt yesterday she drops "you know the reason i never liked you romantically 12 years ago when we met was because when i asked what you looked like you were so negative that it killed it". i cock-blocked myself. I bummed about this on several levels.

got mail from skeeter's man that her kid (#2) had been born, with attendant pictures. They both look glowingly happy, her in particular but that might be a mix between relief and happy and tiredness. The amusing thing is on friday I wanted to call her and in fact got as far as dialing but she's still mad at me (justafiably, i'm a sellout although i take issue with her iron-gripped resentimiento, i'm guilty of the same thing so i can't really complain about that too hard.) and probably would not have answered but I never got to follow up and call again. Too much of that is annoying, especially when someone is pointedly not answering. But WWu mails occasionally, and I hear things on the grapevine de rato en rato so I guess it's ok.

It's hardly news that I am horrible about checking my messages. So yesterday I finally check my voicemail at work -- I haven't checked it since December, easily. There's a familiar number but I can't place it. Victor, telling me to fix the fucking LDAP lookups about two weeks before he died.

I made mistakes in my life, all things go, all things go

Today, I talked to a friend, didn't get to finish my soup, got to listen to schlocky rock (or jazz? I don't know, bruce hornsby is very jazz-lite, but then again he's done rock too), went to miami beach despite boat show traffic, avoided getting scammed, walked on the beach and got new shoes wet in the surf, saw a wedding i was not a party to, made excellent falafel (hint: before you roll them into balls/patties, drop chopped cilantro/dill and a wee bit of hot sauce into the dough/mix. also, if you fry at medium-low heat they take longer but dry out less,) and had a heavier-than-i-would-have-liked mediterranean dinner (falafel, tzaziki, stuffed grape leaves, flatbread, kaseri cheese). finish the day off by noticing that i never filled out my valentine's card i bought the mrs so spent 15 minutes on something that will make her smile in the morning.

Listened to a lot of Sufjan Stevens today -- picked up The Avalanche on a whim at a used CD store (yeah, I still buy CDs, I'm all quaint) and was blown away. Bought Illinoise just for Casimir Pulaski Day but am enjoying other songs on there. The Avalanche CD is more enjoyable at the moment though; the three versions of Chicago, the supercomputer song, it's all jawsome!great. I even went and learned me some guiterchords for 'em.

dream 18jan2008

walking in a hallway dark not scary but dim and then with b, into a cafeteria-looking room and we have been looking for something but not finding it, and she is in trouble for killing a man and we're not friends but not enemies either and things are tense and awkward and i want it to be unfuckedup and friends because she needs help and i could do something and i hate feeling like this, compromised into being unable to be friends, but can't forgive without some sign of friendship, or caring, and there's just words and platitudes and i do not want to be here but am forced to (the way that you don't know why you have to do something in a dream but you just know it) so i do it and the tension is worse but i'm not angry just sad, overwhelmingly sad, and it's dim like we're where even sadness is something to see and the look on her face is best described as vexed or "i know something needs to be done but i don't know what" and i wake.

when i stepped into the water, i slipped and broke my aura...

I don't know. This at home, in the heart, complex and annoying. Feeling ...not broken, but pathetic, bathetic. Sterling's preggers, Sun's home, Avery is huge, my mother thinks I hate her or I'm a jerk, I don't really know anymore. hot sub w/ sun earlier. she's way cool and outta all the girls probably the one I am most comfortable with. I love taitai and meimei and sterling, but sun's a good mix of them all. i think in jan i will go with mills to get my tattoo. she's gotta decide what she wants though...I'm getting a new tele tomorrow, I hope. I am giving the SG to Mei-mei to fuck with, the pickguard to either sun or tai-tai. new guitars are funfunfun, always leads you somewhere else, like a new girl or a new car or a new way home.

I have a dog now, he is cute and small and I am responsible for him. I hope to get a cat sooner rather than later; a jellicle for preference (gonna name her "Sally Pimienta").

talked to eden like 4 or 5 times in the last week; things are rough on his end vis-a-vis V. which sucks, he's had it rough sometimes. he was very sincere and sorry about getting out of touch with us all, said thanks for me trying to keep in touch with him since he didn't know how to start things. he's spoken to solo and bunny and will probably maybe this time come to miami. I dunno. Told me Mo's living in O-town and they don't really hang or speak. eden talks to mike now and again tho..

while moving I found some boxes with pictures. i feel distant from them, they don't really touch me anymore...I don't know how to feel about that.

good books: world war Z, that dylan bio I'm xmas'ing away, the last postsecret book mills gave me for xmas
good music: night ripper by girl talk -- all samples...shit, it's like "paul's boutique" all over again; coil's "the ape of naples" which i re-listened to because bunny hooked me up with coil bootlegs and i ran into an interview with sleazy from last year about all the shit since balance died...oh and the new fucking daft punk album is so fucking hot it glows

vignette: eden's gf at the time lived on sunset, i go with him to hang, her gay friend says hello -- i am broken and falldown ebcause of mo. i leave the party and go to his old pad with ron -- rose was there even then -- and tell him our friendship's over. he tells rose that if it's her fault...blahblahblah. i tell him it's his fault, it's about b but more about how he didn't tell me. i leave and go back to the party. the girlfriend's gay friend tells me my aura has changed color dramatically -- from orange/red to green (or other way? I don't remember the colors he said). I tell eden and tell him what happened.

xkcd

xkcd - A webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language - By Randall Munroe: "http://xkcd.com/334/"

call me morbid, call me pale.

what makes me saddest about the whole thing is how pointless it was. i mean, so many ways to end it that wouldn't have caused all that kind of fallout. "oh well" is all there is to say and it doesn't seem enough.

this real estate bullshit is fucking bullshit. every time i get closer to the house it's a change of what was expected. jesus. it's like dating but with the payoff that you're in debt well beyond your eyeballs. a bugfuck crazy girlfriend is tame compared to this kind of frustration.

state of love and trust

i almost called today. how's that for breaking news, eh?

moving on, people. man, whenever i say that i miss mr jones. but no man's dead while his name is still spoken.

i had the worst day at work today

i seriously haven't felt like this since my boss at fiu spent 45 minutes detailing how he wanted to kill me and the various ways he would do it if he could.

and then i get home and i realize:

oh shit

they hired me because of my political suaveness
i'm fucked

aside: i found a transcription for martin simpson's "betsy the serving maid". it's not bad. (power tab format on ultimate-guitar if you're interested) and no fucking wonder i coudln't figure the goddamn thing out, i was trying dropped-D and DADGAD and it's in some weirdass G tuning (DGDGCF# -- seriously, what the fuck). also capo on V. aside to the aside: no actual clips of martin simpson on youtube, but here's some dude who learned some of his stuff. aside to the aside to the aside: martin simpson is one of my mixtape secret ingredients. no one expects it. my top four songs that you should download (but i will unhelpfully not provide for you, because the man earns his money,) are: "the company you keep", "betsy the serving maid", "lord gregory" and "dreamtime". I actually learned 'the company you keep' and 'dreamtime' but still kinda suck at them (actually dreamtime I got not too bad at...). if you buy an album (and you should, he's seriously omfg great), i highly recommend his 1996 LIVE AT OXFORD album above all others (although "when i was on horseback" is a good 2nd).

when i broke, i became normal?

I truly never expected to see an article about this.

I mean, seriously. I've been accused of being over-analytical, but even I have limits.

Howstuffworks "How Kissing Works"

You live your life like Love's on ration: where's the passion?

Jesus, I want this so badly: New drug to erase traumatic memories

Title from Fad Gadget's "I Discover Love", but I can't find that on the web, so you get Fad Gadget's video for "Collapsing New People". I'm kind of surprised that Marylin Manson hasn't covered FG yet.

The Ubiquitous Mr Lovegrove

I miss you too. If you'd been able to see me as a person, we'd still be friends.

Happy independence day.

happiness controls you

The buddhist idea that desire is suffering always made sense to me, but I don't know if I believe that the way to nirvana is by getting rid of desire. Might be my inner catholic, but reining desire in and putting it towards constructive use makes more sense than subjugating it or denying it or what-have-you.

I mean, hummingbirds don't know that they burn through calories and need high amounts of sugar to keep their inner reactors going. They just know that the sweet stuff in plants is mmmmm mmmmm good. Draw your own parallels with sex, drugs, rock and roll, whatever gets you off. That they get pollen on 'em and fulfill their raison d'etre is well beyond what they know. This bullshit self-awareness and torture makes us special, different.

Then again, the idea is not to kill desire, but to move beyond it, accept things the way they are. Nam myoho renge kyo.

So are you a slave to your desires? Does your happiness control you? Are you a slave to yourself?

mightier than the sword, at any rate...

Bill:
"No man or woman is ever worth your tears, and the one that is will never make you cry."

What utter bullshit.

Pat:
Sounds like good (general) advice to me. By the time it stopped being relevant you wouldn't be taking general relationship advice anyway.

Steven:
No, it's terrible advice. There are only two types of people who can make you cry—those that are completely worthless pieces of shit and those who make a true connection with you. I guess it's possible for one person to be both types at once, but the second type is the type that you should want to make a relationship with even if they break your heart once or twice along the way.

'Struth. Still haven't had leaky eyes. I don't know if that means I'm broken or that I'm not.

ouch.

You know, postsecret is a truly genius idea. It fulfills a certain voyeuristic thrill at seeing others' secrets, it encourages art and beauty in the world, it works as a release valve for those holding secrets in and those viewing them as well, and finally, it holds a mirror up to those viewing them. That's a lot of spinning plates.

I saw the exhibit and it was moving, and then it was Sunday and I saw the updated page and the postcard here, and for the first time ever since then, I felt like that again. It is heartbreakingly sad and beautiful and it took my words away.

I love that bridge postcard. I wish I'd sent it in.

Mawwige, twue wuv.

Rose left. Been speaking to the Little Trouble Girl, playing guitar by myself and drinking wine. Hung out with the Crafty Witch, made my world-famous (that's not an exagerration) grilled cheese sammiches, tried her tapenade, watched "The Wicker Man" and played guitar and got to meet her friend Sunny and then we discussed relationships and love and marriage. I don't know. I think she's ugh about marriage because the commitment is just a big scary thing and feels dishonest to say "forever, you and only you" especially about love, because the heart is such a fickle fucking cat. But I never really thought that marriage was about that, at least not by the time I got to thinking about that. I don't know that I got across that I didn't think that marriage had to be about that, but it was like she just didn't want to think about marriage not being about love forever and every monogamy. Which, I'm no advocate for polyamory specifically, in whatever flavors it comes in, but from what I know of her specific feelings about monogamy, and the legalities of marriage, it sounds like the only way she could have a relationship (not specifically marriage) for a longer period of time and not get all heartbroken and insane.

But then again, consider my folks' marriage. I dunno. Dysfunction vs just putting up w/ it?

Buddhism's suffering-stems-from-desire totally makes sense, especially when viewed in the context of relationships: every relationship problem I've ever even heard of has been the result of what A wants and what B wants differing and that not being made absolutely clear because communication between them having been less than clear. A good friend of mine broke up with his fiancee because he wanted kids and she absolutely didn't and thankfully they realized this before that marriage happened, and they broke up and he found another chick muuuuch more well suited to his temperament and humor. And she does want kids. So there you have it.

The more I consider it, the more I think that marriage should not be about capital-L Love but about lowercase-l love and a recognized partnership. Comrades-at-arms, with fucking and love. Not some romantic idiocy of the twue-wuv variety thinking that things will always be wine and roses. Part of what makes the joyous moments so sweet is that there are the bitter moments to contrast them against. It can always be so much worse, you know? You hold on to the good and you let go the bad and when it gets really bad you go back to the good and weigh it and decide whether it's enough to stick around for. And part of that marriage thing is just a promise to try really fucking hard. Sometimes you promise yourself, and sometimes you promise the other person, or God, or a judge or whatever. As serious as you make it, man, just like anything else.

I want to tease the crack in you:


Sonic Youth's "Sleepin' Around"

Smashing Pumpkins' "Pennies"