Let's recap:
broke a heart, prevented a suicide, fucked up a relationshit, had piece of art dedicated to me, got a new car, got sold out on a hike, had my heart broken and jumped up and down on, got chosen over a bad friend, lost all faith in pretty much all of humanity as a whole1, my old man hit the hospital twice, my mom once, one brother is an asshole (house issues), one brother also had heart broken plus legal problems, i think i broke another heart but i'm not sure, quit smoking, got a new bass, joined a band, wrote an album, started a book, have read a buncha books2, found a bunch od really great new music3, started drinking again, made a bunch of new friends who rock, shipped a friend off to Texas, will ship a friend to Tennessee, learned to cook Indian and Greek, said hello to Tai-tai's brand-new baby girl, became a master seducer, totally failed at women, totally rocked at women, got a new job, my sister got married, am learning how to be at peace around others without withdrawing, picked up a bunch of new work skillsets, lost weight, gained weight, lost weight again, worried a bunch, stopped caring, hated more intensely than I really thought possible4, got my kink on, got my vanilla on, learned to be an appropriately sweet person, shocked myself with my venom*, and am still -- right now, actually -- putting the idea of karma to practice, started to learn Portuguese (really have to practice more before I bust that out tho).
In retrospect, I wound up with better people in my life overall, as opposed to a false friend. Which is better, but I still feel used, thrown away. I don't know if that was a really fair trade. But I've heard that the way you know when a deal is really fair is if both sides walk away feeling ripped off. I really wish I could have learned that lesson some other way, but when even asking doesn't get you basic decency.... My lot in life has improved and I got stronger. Overall, I would say progress. I'm certainly not happier, per se. I'm less trusting, less open. Maybe that's safer. I don't know. I care a little less.
Happy birthday to me.
1 You know how I don't have any male best friends? Now I don't have any female best friends either. Thanks. 2 David Foster Wallace's "A History of Infinity", Bill Bryson's "Made In America", Norah Vincent's "Self-made Man", Neil Gaiman's "Anansi Boys" all top the list. 3 well, new to me at any rate: Depeche Mode, Iron & Wine, Of Montreal, Klaxons, Daft Punk, Graham Parsons, Neutral Milk Hotel, Belle & Sebastian, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, Arcade Fire, a bunch of other stuff. And I got back into afrobeat: FELA! Also, I kinda learned to dance. That could just be vodka though. I don't know yet. 4 see note 1 above, but also: "seeing red", not just an expression. you can become so angry that it hurts you.
broke a heart, prevented a suicide, fucked up a relationshit, had piece of art dedicated to me, got a new car, got sold out on a hike, had my heart broken and jumped up and down on, got chosen over a bad friend, lost all faith in pretty much all of humanity as a whole1, my old man hit the hospital twice, my mom once, one brother is an asshole (house issues), one brother also had heart broken plus legal problems, i think i broke another heart but i'm not sure, quit smoking, got a new bass, joined a band, wrote an album, started a book, have read a buncha books2, found a bunch od really great new music3, started drinking again, made a bunch of new friends who rock, shipped a friend off to Texas, will ship a friend to Tennessee, learned to cook Indian and Greek, said hello to Tai-tai's brand-new baby girl, became a master seducer, totally failed at women, totally rocked at women, got a new job, my sister got married, am learning how to be at peace around others without withdrawing, picked up a bunch of new work skillsets, lost weight, gained weight, lost weight again, worried a bunch, stopped caring, hated more intensely than I really thought possible4, got my kink on, got my vanilla on, learned to be an appropriately sweet person, shocked myself with my venom*, and am still -- right now, actually -- putting the idea of karma to practice, started to learn Portuguese (really have to practice more before I bust that out tho).
In retrospect, I wound up with better people in my life overall, as opposed to a false friend. Which is better, but I still feel used, thrown away. I don't know if that was a really fair trade. But I've heard that the way you know when a deal is really fair is if both sides walk away feeling ripped off. I really wish I could have learned that lesson some other way, but when even asking doesn't get you basic decency.... My lot in life has improved and I got stronger. Overall, I would say progress. I'm certainly not happier, per se. I'm less trusting, less open. Maybe that's safer. I don't know. I care a little less.
Happy birthday to me.
1 You know how I don't have any male best friends? Now I don't have any female best friends either. Thanks. 2 David Foster Wallace's "A History of Infinity", Bill Bryson's "Made In America", Norah Vincent's "Self-made Man", Neil Gaiman's "Anansi Boys" all top the list. 3 well, new to me at any rate: Depeche Mode, Iron & Wine, Of Montreal, Klaxons, Daft Punk, Graham Parsons, Neutral Milk Hotel, Belle & Sebastian, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, Arcade Fire, a bunch of other stuff. And I got back into afrobeat: FELA! Also, I kinda learned to dance. That could just be vodka though. I don't know yet. 4 see note 1 above, but also: "seeing red", not just an expression. you can become so angry that it hurts you.
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