30 years old, redux.

Let's recap:

broke a heart, prevented a suicide, fucked up a relationshit, had piece of art dedicated to me, got a new car, got sold out on a hike, had my heart broken and jumped up and down on, got chosen over a bad friend, lost all faith in pretty much all of humanity as a whole¹, my old man hit the hospital twice, my mom once, one brother is an asshole (house issues), one brother also had heart broken plus legal problems, i think i broke another heart but i'm not sure, quit smoking, got a new bass, joined a band, wrote an album, started a book, have read a buncha books², found a bunch od really great new music³, started drinking again, made a bunch of new friends who rock, shipped a friend off to Texas, will ship a friend to Tennessee, learned to cook Indian and Greek, said hello to Tai-tai's brand-new baby girl, became a master seducer, totally failed at women, totally rocked at women, got a new job, my sister got married, am learning how to be at peace around others without withdrawing, picked up a bunch of new work skillsets, lost weight, gained weight, lost weight again, worried a bunch, stopped caring, hated more intensely than I really thought possible⁴, got my kink on, got my vanilla on, learned to be an appropriately sweet person, shocked myself with my venom*, and am still -- right now, actually -- putting the idea of karma to practice, started to learn Portuguese (really have to practice more before I bust that out tho).

In retrospect, I wound up with better people in my life overall, as opposed to a false friend. Which is better, but I still feel used, thrown away. I don't know if that was a really fair trade. But I've heard that the way you know when a deal is really fair is if both sides walk away feeling ripped off. I really wish I could have learned that lesson some other way, but when even asking doesn't get you basic decency.... My lot in life has improved and I got stronger. Overall, I would say progress. I'm certainly not happier, per se. I'm less trusting, less open. Maybe that's safer. I don't know. I care a little less.

Happy birthday to me.

¹ You know how I don't have any male best friends? Now I don't have any female best friends either. Thanks. ² David Foster Wallace's "A History of Infinity", Bill Bryson's "Made In America", Norah Vincent's "Self-made Man", Neil Gaiman's "Anansi Boys" all top the list. ³ well, new to me at any rate: Depeche Mode, Iron & Wine, Of Montreal, Klaxons, Daft Punk, Graham Parsons, Neutral Milk Hotel, Belle & Sebastian, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, Arcade Fire, a bunch of other stuff. And I got back into afrobeat: FELA! Also, I kinda learned to dance. That could just be vodka though. I don't know yet. ⁴ see note ¹ above, but also: "seeing red", not just an expression. you can become so angry that it hurts you.

weekend, redux

The short version:


my sister got married

and i have a new office along with my new job:



I had a migraine and woke up with a bump on my throat. Also, I slept like 12 hours yesterday.

"Be faithful to that which exists within yourself."

i have the best friends in the whole world. i wish i could really tell them how much i love them. tai-tai's all kinds of back to normal more or less after the kid. kinda hiding how happy and giddy she is, she's so loving mommy-hood. dutchie's gonna be a moron for daddy's little girl, it's so funny. sun's all whoa between law school and the new boy. sterling is so much harder to read, and fuck knows i'm so bad at that anyway, but she's got this devil-may-care attitude about everything that's kind of surprising because she never struck me as the kind of person to be so laissez-fare (i want to spell that faire but firefox says no, it's "fare". whatever.) about life. H comes & goes. Mill's is rushing headlong into romance and tennessee but is so much better with this guy that it's all i can do not to cheer her on. mel's getting married tomorrow (well, the party, anyway, she's been hitched for a while). he's such a good kid and she needs that.



tai-tai and sun saved my life, and i don't really know how to put that into words. tai-tai's never really needed any help, except her relationshit stuff and that was all minor-league stuff or the baby's bed and that was just a money thing so pfft. sun's weather freak-outs are kinda silly to me but i know what it's like to wig out over shit no-one else feels, so i can't do anything except try to talk her away from the wigging-out. i'm just about all angry-song'd out, maybe i could write them something nice. i wonder whatever happened to that drywall i painted and snapped into rough trypic-pieces held together with yellow nylon rope.

mon petit vulcan

So. I have a band now. Or maybe this band has a bassist now? I don't know how "in" I am, but I liked them and they appeared to like me, and the drummer called back same day saying 'ok, yr in'. I emailed them via cragislist and they hit me back with their myspace and I hit them back with old music of mine own and we agree to meet. So I learned their songs from their myspace (admittedly I learned one of them wrong because I was in the wrong tuning, but whatever, transposition is not hard) and that coupled with my odd tastes ("Seriously, who plays Bjork on the bass?" -- hell son, I'm the playa that tabbed that bitch out -- and that was in what, 98? -- for ye olde OLGA archives at nevada.edu) got me in. I would roughly describe them as Black Heart Procession with heavy Joy Division leanings. They all seem amicable, good guys. There was another guy jamming with them that weekend, first time playing guitar in a band but supposedly knows keys and drums, and I do dig multi-instrumentalists. Maybe I'll get to do a full-band version of "Your Faithful Serpent" ? That would be nice.



Had sushi with H (whose sunburn I peeled), then V (whose picture I took), then M (whose fiance I just met) last week. I'm about sushi'd out. Last two days at the Med school coming up, and then Law. I'm a bit nervous. Kinda sucks in that we just tripled the network size (from 10K to 30K!) AND I was just starting to learn the Checkpoint (in addition to the Netscreens and Cisco). Checkpoint's a goddamned PITA, but the amount of granular control is fucking godlike. At least I'm not leaving Vij or Frank in the lurch. Wish I'd been able to go to the crashcourse for the CCNA or CISSP, but them's the breaks. I'll see if law ponies up the beaucoup bux for 'em.

I was a lover before this war.

Found a band whose online demo I didn't hate from the word go. Time to whore myself again and see if we get on, I guess. I miss playing music. We'll see how it goes.

Enjoy the somewhat artsy fartsy fan made video for "I Was A Lover" by TV On The Radio: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPyp92pExAg

round hole, square peg indeed.

ouch.

You know, postsecret is a truly genius idea. It fulfills a certain voyeuristic thrill at seeing others' secrets, it encourages art and beauty in the world, it works as a release valve for those holding secrets in and those viewing them as well, and finally, it holds a mirror up to those viewing them. That's a lot of spinning plates.

I saw the exhibit and it was moving, and then it was Sunday and I saw the updated page and the postcard here, and for the first time ever since then, I felt like that again. It is heartbreakingly sad and beautiful and it took my words away.

I love that bridge postcard. I wish I'd sent it in.