I sent mine in. It's the photo of us smiling at the Days' Inn, playing pool.

I went to the postsecret exhibit in the Design District in Miami today. Lots of very moving postcards, some more than others.



It was really neat seeing a whole bunch lined up, the handwriting on them, so beautiful and sad and happy.

I will be in the bar, with my head, on the bar.

Since Mills is going to go to TN soonish, I like hanging out with her before that happens. She likes the key lime pie at the dive bar, chez b's, so that's where we go. honestly the pie's just kind of OK. I prefer key lime to be a bit fluffier, but whatever. So haven't seen Mills in shit like two weeks and we made plans to meet there for dinner, rocking out the chicken strips and pie. She tell me about her divorce BS, I tell her mine, she tells me her job quitting thing, I tell her mine, and et viola, the actress' ghost comes in. I am fine after a few, and Mills, bless her heart, offers to be mean to her for me. I'm still counting on karma to do it for me, so I hold that back. After a while my faithful serpent's sullen look bores me and I'm laughing with Mills again. After we settle up, as we're leaving, I go past the store and there's Tai-tai & Dutch w/ the kid who is literally shit-you-not The Cutest Fucking Baby Ever. Got that angry pink sheen from her momma. I want to tell my faithful serpent how pretty the baby is and how sad it is that they're not friends anymore, but I don't think she'd see it as a comment but an attack. So the safer, more polite course of action takes precedence and just say nothing. I hope her karma doesn't fuck her up too bad; there's a good person under all that acting, somewhere. Stace thinks I'm a chump. She's right. A chump and a soft touch. Not on that matter. I'm just sad about it. It's like...I can't even describe it. It's like every bad thing you've ever thought about yourself is shown to you, in personally painful and graphic detail, to be absolutely true. Think about every moment you've been down or doubtful about yourself.



Yeah, like that.



After a quick discussion vis-a-vis breastfeeding and leaky breasts, we all dip since Avery's gettin' hungry and Stace ain't gonna whip 'em out right then and there. Tai-tai says Mills and I should have a kid. We've discussed it but let's see how that TN thing works out, eh? Also, I wanna see how the Little Trouble Girl thing pans out. She got hammered and drunk dialed me last night, very cute, very funny. 2nd drunk dial in recent memory.



Work gets slowly more hostile as I ride out my last days since I gave notice; very strange -- since the jax guys hanging around more even they have commented how I appear to be persona non grata. Also, we recieved a bomb threat today. Warning email was very vague and

not followed up, it's like our communications office is trying to incite panic. In some ways I'm kind of torn about leaving, cos now with the net TRIPLING in size, that's fucking exciting to contemplate -- a whole redesign from scratch on a net that's fucking huge, shit there are smaller cities! And yet, I know I'm doing the right thing. I need to get out of my comfort zone, even if it means Windows and a smaller network.





Made another Moz mix for the car while at the 'rents fixing their computard, maybe post that later.

welcome to this world

Today, at 105pm, tai-tai's baby was born.

I don't know anyone else in that area code

I think I just got drunk-dialed by saltdog. THAT is funny. Got tickets to see Morrissey with Chicken in July and tomorrow I will see Grindhouse with Little Trouble Girl.

I mighta been born yesterday but I stayed up all night

God's in the strangest places. To wit: two days ago everyone had dipped but me & vij, so we hit lunch together at the chinese joint with Ang and Necu -- they dipped early cos they had a meeting to go to -- and wound up sitting briefly with a prominent geneticist (no links because this is a a personal blog blahblahblah but he's SMRT for realz and a big-wig nationally in his field) and wound up having a discussion about religion and it's role in science. For someone who'd put science in such focus in his life, he was remarkably open-minded about religion (paraphrasing, but along the lines of "to be as adamant about the non-existance of god as a lot of atheists are seems kind of closed-minded, especially if you're a scientist and supposed to be figuring things out, not just assuming they are the way you want"). Dude was totally cool and more relaxed than I'd seen him otherwise, although to be fair, other times I'd seen him had been during emergencies, so uh yeah, I get frazzled too.

He also went into a tangent about astrology -- as an example, i think, i forget how we got into it as a subject -- and how maybe it isn't planets or what-have-you, but rather the general temperature patterns during gestation that affect personalities, IE, gemini's are bastards, cancers are sensitive etc etc because during gestation they had colder or hotter womb temp averages, and he had seen in his own work how minute temperature changes in utero or in vitro could affect outcomes drastically and dramatically. Interesting thought.

post title courtesy El Producto's new album, "I'll sleep when you're dead", which is still growing on me. Good, but so far I like "Fantastic Damage" more (although the Trent Reznor guest spot was weird on the new one).

Mawwige, twue wuv.

Rose left. Been speaking to the Little Trouble Girl, playing guitar by myself and drinking wine. Hung out with the Crafty Witch, made my world-famous (that's not an exagerration) grilled cheese sammiches, tried her tapenade, watched "The Wicker Man" and played guitar and got to meet her friend Sunny and then we discussed relationships and love and marriage. I don't know. I think she's ugh about marriage because the commitment is just a big scary thing and feels dishonest to say "forever, you and only you" especially about love, because the heart is such a fickle fucking cat. But I never really thought that marriage was about that, at least not by the time I got to thinking about that. I don't know that I got across that I didn't think that marriage had to be about that, but it was like she just didn't want to think about marriage not being about love forever and every monogamy. Which, I'm no advocate for polyamory specifically, in whatever flavors it comes in, but from what I know of her specific feelings about monogamy, and the legalities of marriage, it sounds like the only way she could have a relationship (not specifically marriage) for a longer period of time and not get all heartbroken and insane.

But then again, consider my folks' marriage. I dunno. Dysfunction vs just putting up w/ it?

Buddhism's suffering-stems-from-desire totally makes sense, especially when viewed in the context of relationships: every relationship problem I've ever even heard of has been the result of what A wants and what B wants differing and that not being made absolutely clear because communication between them having been less than clear. A good friend of mine broke up with his fiancee because he wanted kids and she absolutely didn't and thankfully they realized this before that marriage happened, and they broke up and he found another chick muuuuch more well suited to his temperament and humor. And she does want kids. So there you have it.

The more I consider it, the more I think that marriage should not be about capital-L Love but about lowercase-l love and a recognized partnership. Comrades-at-arms, with fucking and love. Not some romantic idiocy of the twue-wuv variety thinking that things will always be wine and roses. Part of what makes the joyous moments so sweet is that there are the bitter moments to contrast them against. It can always be so much worse, you know? You hold on to the good and you let go the bad and when it gets really bad you go back to the good and weigh it and decide whether it's enough to stick around for. And part of that marriage thing is just a promise to try really fucking hard. Sometimes you promise yourself, and sometimes you promise the other person, or God, or a judge or whatever. As serious as you make it, man, just like anything else.

I want to tease the crack in you:


Sonic Youth's "Sleepin' Around"

Smashing Pumpkins' "Pennies"

little trouble girl

sonic youth vid in honor of new friend apparently. litl troubl grl, seems a conglomerate of dee, bee, sun, ces, maybe a bit of reven. whoa havent thought of her in ages. also briefly remembered RA from 7thh grade? funny i remember edgar mocking because she was so annoying and i was crushing and all i remember about that is feeling bad. tht's not true but i don't want to remember any more details. the past a different country etc

dream: haiti, lines in travel queues waiting to get in, driving around, rose w/ me then stace, inside a bodega looking place the trouble starts -- zombies, well, it's haiti, what do you expect -- and in a building next to the shack we're sheltering in, above & looking down from a party, b is dancing and laughing and i'm in it to my neck and it's no picnic but i feel pity for her, and i don't know if i'm forcing myself or not but there's knifework to be done so the unexamined life prevails. i get us out, but we lose stuff. i shrug. stuff is easy to replace.

god i'm drunk now. red red wine stay cloes to me.

SAMPLE HOROSCOPE FOR GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): Put down that chainsaw! Turn off the particle accelerator!
Leave the exploding pudding cups at home! Right now, playing a practical joke could open an energy
vortex into another dimension. Instead of pranks, maybe try some of those Random Acts of Kindness?

...from http://askdreldrich.com

Do not listen to Doctor Mario

He is not a medical professional

I can't stop laughing at this comic. As Jeph from Questionable Content says, it's the funniest comic about Doctors who are not also Ninjas. I'll have to clean up all my links and drop that in

Yeah, me too. Sad dream this morning, old ghosts getting put to bed etc.

all those people drinking lover's spit

Broken Social Scene - "Lover's Spit" Music Video



Live in Ottowa

GBBV Day

Ah, good ol' Great Big Blowing Void Day.

To be honest, it doesn't have the urgency, pain and emptiness that it used to. Maybe I am just mellowing with age. Maybe it's just the numbness that came post the my faithful serpent episode. I was at lunch with H on saturn'sday and we started talking about how she was just so ready to get the hell out of her parent's house and it was really R who helped, and that's why H thinks R is the best bitch since sliced bread (I'm paraphrasing) and H asked me if I had anyone like that. I don't -- which she thought was sad, and I suppose it might be -- and the Bee was really the last one like that. Before that was Mo, and that turned out...poorly. Eden and Bunny are cool, but we've scattered to the winds. Which is a shame sometimes cos man they could make some music. I really miss the comfort of having someone that I could trust like that -- to call at whatever time and just know that it would be ok to talk if it was necessary. I mean, Sun's great and Tai-Tai and Mei-Mei are of course bastions of sincerity and strength, but I have to admit there are things I would not tell them without a Serious Need To. And it's not like Bee had a free pass to deepest darkest dave, but she had one. I thought she'd earned it, but then again, I thought Mo'd earned it too.

Half the people I know think they got me pegged or think that they know me well. Maybe Sun a bit and maybe Mills a bit. Mostly they got a leg or a trunk or an ear...I don't think anyone sees the whole elephant.

Cess introduced me to a friend, pretty girl, who's got danger written on her in two-foot-tall letters, worse than the ninja redhead. I think I surprised both of them by being very honest. I don't know, I thought I was being aloof. And I am pretty sure the chick, let's call her Blunt Girl for the sake of whatever, thinks I'm ten kinds of jerk or stupid. And I am pretty sure they both think I let slip intimate details or something, but I just don't think anyone can really get at my emotions anymore. To misquote ye olde lowbrow, "that's not scar tissue on the broken heart...that's a callous"

today is naming of parts

Whoa, Lisbert had a baby girl. And so will Stacy. And like two others are tick tick ticking hardcore. i wouldn't mind, but alas, alas. Broken and all fall down as the song says. I don't know anymore. Mixed signals and I don't know, I just want to play music with people but it's always a let down. I miss how things were but I'm glad they're not like that anymore, I guess. Like, Deadline Poet, so much fun. But I wouldn't play music with Mo again for love or money. I do miss playing with Capt'n Winkler, though -- he's another that's got progeny on order -- in retrospect, we were such weird kids. I mean, jazz, blues and metal, with intermissions for a game of pool and discussing religion and philosophy. Not that I was particularly good at any of those things, but still. and in a way, i'm sad i never got that bee tat when i wanted it, cos now i can't get it, but then again, easier to forget i guess. wipe that memory lie away. i've been daydreaming about 1, after a week of daydreaming about 3, who has me all sorts of confused, and 2, who has me just sad. I just realized after like an hour of daydreaming: never in a million years. i mean, i took two lessons away last independence day: don't trust anyone and to turn the phrase around, lo que es pa' mi, nadie lo quiere. (the actual phrase mills informs me is "lo que es pa' ti nadie te lo quita").

at least i finally stopped listening to depressing music. more or less.

speaking of music, get down w/ the Black President doing "Army Arrangement":


and from the same performance, "Teacher, Don't Teach Me Nonsense":


The more I learn about Fela, the more I think he was a fucking genius. So you say you were arrested by the government because you wrote an album/song called "Zombie" that critized the government, so they came to your house, beat you up, planted weed on you, arrested you when you ate it so they could wait for you to shit it out, so you had to haggle with other prisoners for their shit so you wouldn't get busted, but the government had to let you go.

Except humor lives no matter what, so you write the whole experience down as another album designed to piss people off, called "Expensive Shit", so this time, when they come knocking, they beat you up and throw your mother out the window, which causes injuries that eventually kill her...

Except still, because you're a genius and you can still laugh and cry at the same time and you're STILL angry, you have her coffin delivered to the nearest Army barracks and write about it as "Coffin For Head Of State"....

is that what's bothering you, fella? or Fela?

How can the angels sleep when the devil leaves his porch light on all night?

Robert Anton Wilson, co-author of the Illuminatus! trilogy (among other things), psychonaut, geniune pope and all-around good guy dedicated to improving the lot of the human race, has shuffled off this mortal coil.





Tom Waits, "God's Away On Business"