the past didn't go anywhere

Fellow workers, Utah Phillips died.

2 weeks ago last thurs

i finally stopped hating my personal little slice of hurt in the world, thursday 2 weeks ago at 2am.

The perenial favorite

Tropical storm, nee Hurricane Fay (by the time it hits land should be a 'cane. maybe. possibly.) is dropping a lot of rain down. The mrs is remarkably calm, as is the dog -- no thunder and lightning and ergo they're coo'. The cable's out (fuck you directv, fuck you right in the ass) but power's on, so it's strictly a DSL/DVD/videogame/ipod night of entertainment. Waiting for it to stop raining for like 5 minutes so the fucking dog can fucking pee, poor little dude.

There's a few things I still wanted to get, but nothing I direly *needed* so I guess everything's OK. A big box o' tapes in the garage got soaked but I pulled all the priceless and irreplaceable stuff (e.g. jammin' with bert and cap'n, deadline poet, a band apart) out when I put the box there. Need to xfer that soonish.

everything happens to me

Sterling had Michaelangelo today at 11ish am.

Picked up "Monk Alone": 2.5 hours of Thelonious Monk on the piano alone. It's a little bit like going mad in heaven. He does some standards and things you wouldn't expect ("everything happens to me", "just a gigolo") in his inimitable style. I really try to play guitar like he plays piano but god it's like planning to fall down the stairs: you can't do it naturally without fucking up. The odd accents, the pauses and embellishments.

"Between The Devil and The Deep Blue Sea" and the four (!) versions of "everything happens to me" are just too. fucking. hardcore.

more proof i am a bad person

so eden calls me up. "your favorite person is back in miami." "would you be friends again...it was a long time ago, he's a different person, blahblhablhablhablah"

i don't care anymore. i mean, it would be cool if i could trust people again. it would be nice to be able to make friends without pulling fucking teeth. but nothing's going to undo that, so why bother? to pretend he wasn't a bad person? to act like I'm and he's OK and everything's cool? I might as well call the bee up and say lets play pool or whatever. which again, pa' que? i dunno. Eden's acting like he throws me into a rage, but it's really kind of worse because i feel nothing. He didn't care then, so why fake it now? I dont' get it. Indifference, which man...fuck I tried with that guy man. Afterwards, I mean. I tried the hardest and he just fucking threw it in my fucking face. So karma can take of that, I guess.

also, sun's mad at me now and i don't know why. but i guess i'm enough of an asshole that asking for a specific reason is kind of silly. putting me off for weeks with 'don't want to talk' which i know what it's like but then hangs with tai or mei? girl things, i don't know. and I don't even know if it's me or not. asking just makes it worse without explaining anything.

oh and laurachicken gets brain surgery soonish.

and i find out the sex this weekkkkkkkkkkkkk

finally three days later my leg stopped hurting although last night more stabbing pains. i think about vic, you know. i mean, he was fine that week. put in a full day and we said later and i left him working on some windows shit with W and poof he's gone. i gotta set things up for in case i shuffle off this mortal coil. I think of Dee and her bloodclot in her leg.

the funny part is that there was a storm

so i tell my friend Little Trouble Girl that my right nut's been itching all day off and on.

she says "maybe a storm's comin' "

The thing you sell yourself

My friends, my family, I me mine. they are all stuck in love. :/

it's late. i will go to sleep soon, but i am lucky. and i have reason for sadness and guilt and laughter and happiness. I can't really explain it without giving too much away. And there's some of the sadness.

Wrote some songs, writing some fiction, making some plans and now Summer coming to a close, sun's gone, mills' too in a different way, mei-mei and tai-tai too although we're in town (but you can't force someone to be friends, so...). I am perhaps just unlikeable.

January comes too slow and too soon both at once.

My father's dream, 20jul08

My father called me up last week, to tell me about a dream he'd had. My father and I have never spoken of dreams. There were french doors and they opened and Abuelo was there, with his big grin -- we've all got it really it's the mark of my family name really -- and holding a little boy's hand, he turned to my father and says "mira que se parece a ti cabezon". My father was too shocked to say anything. Yesterday was all hectic and doctors and driving but in the end, everything was OK, and we got to hear the heartbeat again. tuntun-tuntun-tunun

Life is beautiful.

In my next life I will be a stingray

you promised me poems.

Another year, and it gets further away and it hurts less, I guess. Eventually I will be able to stop feeling it at all. And if there were even the slightest bit of genuine sorry, we could be friends. Such a bitter pill. Last night at the big B, rockin' it with Tai-tai:

me: So I'm sad.
tai-tai: Why?
me: because it's the 4th of July.
tai-tai: So?
me: It's my anniversary for when my drama-llama bullshit happened.
tai-tai: oh.
me: I mean, I bet you don't even remember when the thing with your sister happened.
tai-tai: no, I don't know the day or even the month. I remember where i was and what I was doing.
me: but that's my point. I can't forget, and even if I did, there's fucking fireworks to remind me.
tai-tai: like a party! YAY!

this one's called "god knows, *****"

what do you want
misbegotten whore
your every word like something fetid
another abortion
scraped from the drooling maw of your cunt-mouth
you never tire
of hurting the ones around you
you set the hooks deep, god knows
god knows
you played the victim so often
you forgot it was a part
the world doesn't owe you,
god knows.

I really must talk to Aik about getting him to drum, if only for just this song.

dream 27jun08

apt. complex, i have been here before, in dreams, it feels like the one where that blonde curly haired chick eden dated for like 2 weeks (the one with the gay best friend) lived, with a shadow that was shaped like null set symbols [␀] and eden is there and we're going somwhere else and there are other people, a group, we're going to a party or just to have fun at the beach or something and then the complex is his folks' place but they don't live there anymore, just ed and he finally got all his stuff from V and the group i'm with stays outside and i walk in and ed always hates that but fuck there's my fucking flanger pedal! and i look for the distortion pedal but cannot find it and i'm cold and cold and wake up uncovered.

Moving along

So I finally got around to scanning some old photos, including this one of good ol' Randall P. Jones. The man certainly enjoyed his beanie propeller hat and could carry it with a certain panache. Need to send copies of related photos to interested parties, but Randy's gone, so I figured what the hell.

words of advice for young people

I just sneezed. I was eating potato salad. If you have never tried to sneeze while chewing potato salad, I recommend that you avoid finding out what this is like. I now have potato salad in my sinuses.