Your tongue is like poison

I hated The Cure. A Lot. But falling in love changes a lot of things, and the sad romantic lyrics and melancholic music struck notes closer to home as I started college, heartbroken and beat down. Every year when the winds kick up and it's temporarily nice weather, it always takes me back to being in school, climbing a hill and singing Cure songs.

Lovesong Probably the first Cure I started liking. I used to be up at all hours. A good friend of mine, who I was in love with at the time, was going to University in North Carolina. In between being a strange bird (I mean, how many Cubans could there possibly be in NC at any given time?) she worked an odd job as a research assistant and had classes all the time. So when it's 3 in the morning and you're bored and trying so hard to stay awake so that you can check which rats have died so that you can go sleep for an hour and then go to class at 730am, what do you do? You call me and I become your alarm clock. Long story short (too late), we fought about something and didn't speak for months. Then one day out of the blue I got a phone call a bit before midnight that consisted of nothing but kissing sounds (from her) and the Cure's "Lovesong" in the background.

We spoke about many things recently while having lunch at a local sushi joint -- notably my slow eating and relationships in general -- and how people change but not really etc and that I hadn't changed and I say "No, I'm actually more confident now than then...." and she laughed her charming laugh and mentioned to me how her impression of me in high school was one of high self confidence.

You could have knocked me over with a feather at that moment.

Mentioned this to the Bee and she just nodded like it was just accepted knowlege; like 'yeah, you're confident...and the sun will come up tomorrow...and water is wet etc'. Goes to show you how the things you see about yourself are not the things that others see in you. I was focusing on my attitudes towards the fairer sex and my nervousness with same, but looking back more analytically, yes, I was very sure of myself in some respects. I can't say I was ever worried or stressed about being wrong -- mostly cos I was accepting of the times I was.

I wonder how many other people saw me like that -- confident, I mean. I apparently give off asshole vibes like nobody's business, which OK, understandable; big fat hairy guy with weird facial hair (more normal now, although I still get comments when I let the ladies' tickler soul patch grow over-long), a scowl and listening to weird music and able to hold a semi-intelligent conversation about a large variety of things. I mean, I can see how that can come off as assholish or intimidating.

There Is No If.... is my favorite of their recent(ish) songs. It's from Bloodflowers, which tour I saw them on (thanks for those tickets Robert,), which is a great album. Tying those feelings when a relationship isn't going the way you want it to together with thoughts about mortality is just genius. "Remember the first time I told you I Love You? / You yawned, and I had to say it over / I said 'I Love You' I said / You didn't say a word". I think everyone has a moment like that in just about every relationship, where someone says something Important or Meaninful and the other person just...misses it. Not necessarily maliciously or whatever. But just because they don't care enough to catch it. Which can be more damning.

The Kiss, with it's pulsing bass, shrieking guitar and Robert Smith moaning "Oh, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me / Your tongue is like poison / So swollen it fills up my mouth" and "Get it out! Get it out! Get your fucking voice out of my head!", always sends me to that weird headspace where you're between pissed off and lust.

Tired of writing, so that's the end.